Five simple rules! Heck this is less than what we are often required to abide by in college, not to mention the countless unrealistic rules parents and the world in general demand. These were mine; self composed and inflicted…
- No meals after 7pm!
You’re kidding right? Do you know what this city does to you? The irregularity of work hours, unending deadlines, road rage, traffic and deliverables, never lets anyone think straight. Meals help to reset the crazy thoughts. So when I took that first scoop of the peanut butter vanilla flavored Ben & Jerry’s ice-cream at exactly 8:05pm (Day 1 of rule) my thoughts were simple! My brain needed a balanced ratio of sugar, protein and carbohydrates! Well don’t look at me like I’m some crazy junkie. Ask your doctor! :-p
2. Never cry in public!
I think I’ve been cursed by my zodiac sign. The cards say we are an emotional wreck. The formula is pretty simple. Have a shitty day = Cry; Pass an exam = More crying; genuinely surprise the sign and you get buckets! Loads and loads of it! So after a feat of road rage, with intermittent bouts of trembling and jerking back and forth in anger, I look to the crowd for support and only one or more “madam don’t mind the silly guy, he must fix your car today oh, don’t let him go” I burst out in crackles! Yes, you heard right! Crackles. You know that sort of weeping you do while trying to speak and it feels like you’re about to have an asthma attack at the same time? Mehn, that thing works magic. I got a new paint job after that! Whoever said you shouldn’t cry in public? *throws hands in the air & shrugs shoulders*
3. Well at least love football!
Gosh I have tried. From memorizing my “supposed” favorite teams player line-up list to knowing what’s called a ”hat trick” to screaming at my television and two club jerseys after, I just cannot deal. Please I’ll gladly take the road-to-a-man’s-heart-is-food route! This game called football does me in. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that certain adults do not mind watching grown men tug, kick, push, jump and run around a field for 90 minutes (not even sure I know what the ideal game time is) I just cannot sit past the first half of the game. I’d probably endure a live game though; there’ll be plenty of time to take selfies! *doing the happy dance*
4. You can only crush on single men!
I had seen him a couple of times at my job, classic case of ticking all boxes on the “physical spec list”. 6 foot plus, skin as smooth and soft as the caramel in the heart of “eclairs” sweet (all the funky kids in the house say yeah!) full eye brows, sexy dreamy eyes and the final icing on the cake, pink lips! Oh my gosh! I was in man heaven. So after one full week of seeing “man candy” come and go from my office, I decide to take the leap of faith for a discovery mission.
Me: Kemi, this your friend is a hottie oh! Ahnahn, it’s this type you will be hoarding from someborri. Introduce us nah haba.
Kemi: (seriously laughing her butt off) ahhhhhh, iro oh! This one is a no go area oh! Very very married with 2 kid’s sef!
Me: (deflated ego) Ahhn, sorry oh. This was an obvious misplaced crush. Abeg I only ever crush on single guys! (yimmu!)
5. Never kiss on the first date!
Who has seen the movie adaptation of “Fifty shades of Grey”, the scene right after Christian Grey had told Anna he would not touch her not until he has gotten her written consent… Anyone who’s seen the movie remember? Anyway, so they both get into the elevator and an “innocent” Anna bites her lips in her usual “when I’m nervous or uncomfortable manner” and that was the only trigger Christian Grey needed. His words when he plunged in for the kiss; “f**k the paper work” (please excuse my French).
Mehn, that kiss was intense for days! You could boil an egg from the steam. Lol! Okay before I digress, this wasn’t a Christian Grey affair, but it was enough to leave me stroking my lips the one hour drive it took for me to get home after date night. I could have sworn by this rule. Even my forefathers would. I think I lost it somewhere in between his intense gaze, soft stroke of my arm and a warm goodbye hug. I myself saw the kiss coming…
Oh well, I guess I’m out!